You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
