Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
