sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
