there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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