I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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