I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
