Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
