6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
