Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
