Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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