Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
