every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
