So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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