I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
