im having a threesome with these popsicles
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
