i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
