My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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