our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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