Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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