i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
