Your face is a jimmy john
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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