guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
