seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
