So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
