If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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