I am puke
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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