I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
there's paper in my vomit.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
