for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
All the doctor said was why
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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