he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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