yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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