I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
