i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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