don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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