I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
