We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
