I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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