i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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