My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
