I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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