you have to choose: penises or morals?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
