I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You made out with two different species that night
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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