the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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