I think i sorta joined a cult last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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