Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
