I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
