I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
