I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
