I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
