hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
