if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
