Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
