Umm I'm too high to move.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just had sex on a roof
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
