this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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