Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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