My sheets look like a crime scene.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
