I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
