i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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