i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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