she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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