Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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