she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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